The Four Horsemen
A great deal of the research couples’ therapists use to inform their practice has been conducted by the John Gottman, a legendary figure in the therapy world. He developed ground-breaking insights about couples that allow him to predict the likelihood a couple will divorce with stunning accuracy, simply by watching the way they interact with each other. He found that there are four main, negative behaviors couples engage in (which he calls The Four Horsemen) that lead to the end of a relationship. Understanding the Four Horsemen can help you improve your existing relationship or guide the self-reflection necessary for building a strong bond with your next partner.
Stonewalling. This is Gottman’s term for the type of withdrawal and shut down that prevents a couple from solving their conflicts. When feeling overwhelmed by conflict in the relationship, one or both partners withdraws and builds a “wall” around themselves. This is a defensive mechanism to protect oneself from hurt, but it means shutting off or ignoring your feelings (or your partner), making it difficult to rebuild the emotional connection that drew you together as a couple in the first place.
Contempt. The Gottman Institute calls contempt the “number one predictor of divorce” and the “most destructive negative behavior in relationships.” It is the type of behavior that is mean, cutting, or derisive - making fun of the other person, calling them names, mocking them or the things they care about. It makes your partner feel unloved, resentful, and ashamed - feelings that are difficult to overcome and undermine the close, trusting relationship that is the hallmark of a thriving marriage.
Defensiveness. Defensiveness is becoming outraged or indignant when your partner criticizes you or complains about your behavior. It is a way of avoiding responsibility for your own actions while pushing blame for the negative consequences in your relationship on your partner. Defensiveness says “the problem isn’t me, the problem is you.” Ultimately, it is a dis-empowering strategy because it puts the defensive partner in the role of a victim, allowing them to negate their own ability to change the situation. The defensive partner sees the criticism as an attack, making the problem the other partner’s behavior, not their own.
Criticism. It is part of human nature to try to improve the world around us, but when we do so by criticizing our partners, we slowly chip away at their trust toward us by making them feel attacked, unloved, or unloveable. The Gottman Institute makes it clear that criticism “is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint,” because it focuses on the person as a whole, or qualities that they do nor do not possess, rather than specific actions they take or do not take. Criticism is not saying “I could use a little help with the dishes” or “you didn’t put your laundry away” but “you never help out around here, what is wrong with you?” The difference is small, but it makes a huge difference in relationships.
Want to learn more? Check out The Gottman Relationship Blog.
Need help with your divorce? Contact us.
Cordial family lawyers uses Gottman’s research to inform our practice and provide legal counseling that keeps mental health in mind. We are not therapists and do not offer therapy or mental health services.