Divorce is Not Failure

The end of a marriage is a lot of things; it is sad, challenging, emotional, scary. . . but it is not a personal failure, or a statement about your worth as a person. It is a choice, and often times it is the best and only choice available to couples who, for whatever reason, just don’t work together.

Just because your marriage is over doesn’t mean you messed up, or that you are wrong, bad, or defective. It is common for people undergoing this type of change to start a process of self-reflection, seeking to understand how their behaviors might have contributed to the breakup; however, too often that self-reflection can turn into self-hatred, shame, or self-blame. The truth is, no one is innocent in a divorce - even when it is clear that one person “caused” the breakup through their behavior, the other person can usually find ways they behaved that worsened or inflamed the situation.

It didn’t work out - but it doesn’t mean you’re a failure.

That doesn’t mean that it is your fault you are getting divorced, or that the divorce is a measure of your worth as a person. You had high hopes for this marriage - otherwise you wouldn’t have tried it in the first place - and those hopes may have been dashed, but it doesn’t mean you’ve failed.

Self-reflection is healthy and vital to recovering from divorce. It is an important part of the process of healing to understand how you may have knowingly or unknowingly contributed to the turmoil that ended your marriage. But be careful with the words you use to describe yourself; therapists often emphasize the importance of “self-talk”, those words and phrases you use to describe yourself or the things you say to yourself in your head when you’re by yourself.

When you’re getting divorced, it is easy to start punishing yourself for the loss you’ve suffered, to blame yourself unfairly, or to develop negative beliefs about yourself. In other words, your self-talk turns toxic. Don’t fall into the blame trap. Listen to the way you think about yourself and ask yourself, “would I say this to a friend?” If the answer is no, then you might be too hard on yourself. After a divorce it is important to be kind and compassionate to yourself and to focus on the positives. Make sure you’re aware of the words you use to describe yourself - and don’t let “failure” be one of them.